Old Ghosts
by Badpie
Summary: Shepard has a nightmare about her last day on Mindoir and finds comfort in the mess hall with migraine addled Alenko.


"Janie!" she heard her mother yell. She was dazed, terrified. Her mother grabbed her. "Janie come on!" she screamed and handed her daughter a shotgun from the cabinet.

Jane Shepard looked out the window of her parents' farm house, saw the Batarians coming. She shook. The shotgun in her teenage hands felt out of place. Her father had gone to get the truck and she heard him pulling up out back. Her mother grabbed her face.

"Look at me Jane," she said firmly. "We have to go out now. Okay?" Jane nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. "We can get to the Simpsons' place and call for help, but I need you to be strong all right?" Jane nodded again. She thought she might pass out, but her mother's stern tone was always enough to whip her back into shape. Her mother had always taught her to be strong. She swallowed hard and followed her mother out the back door to her father's truck. They jumped in and he sped away toward their destination.

Their would be captors followed.

Jane shrieked and ducked as the glass in the back of the truck smashed. The Batarians were shooting at them. Her mother aimed behind them, fired a blast from her gun and the Batarian transport swerved and stopped on the side of the road. Her father went faster. She could hear her heart pounding in her chest. They were almost to the Simpson farm, where they could radio for help.

As they pulled up, got out of the truck and ran inside the house it had looked like the coast was clear. They burst into the make-shift bunker the Simpsons had.

"Matt!" her father yelled. "Get on the horn, god damm-" he was cut down by a loud blast to his chest. Jane screamed.

Commander Jane Shepard yelped a pathetic "no!" as she shot up in her bunk. She breathed, wide-eyed, looked around furiously. Satisfied that she was safely aboard The Normandy, she sighed and buried her face in her hands. She cursed herself in the darkness and laid back down. It had been years since she'd had that nightmare.

She laid staring at the ceiling, trying to think of something, anything else but that day on Mindoir. She closed her eyes, tried to relax her breathing and let her thoughts wash over her in a blissful distraction. Random thoughts that calmed her - how Joker had fried one of their computers earlier, William's insistence that she loved wearing stilettos whenever possible, Pressley's quiet fart earlier on the bridge that would have almost made her laugh if he didn't look so mortified she'd forced herself to ignore it. She smiled to herself. Her brain was quiet for a good sixty seconds and then sprung to life again with thoughts of her parents and friends. She shook them away again and thought of Kaidan and his shy smile and warm eyes. She'd seen him enter the Normandy's gym earlier as she was leaving. Sometime she forgot how incredibly fit he was. That wasn't true, she corrected herself. She often found her eyes wandering to his strong arms and chest. She allowed herself a girlish moment to think of him. The voice of a 16-year old Jane said something about him being "oh my god, sooooo cute" and then she stopped herself.

Sixteen. That was how old she was when they came. Her life had been so different after that. All of the things that had seemed normal a day before, flirting with boys, spending time with her friends, arguing with her parents - they were all taken from her.

She sighed and sat up. It was clear she wasn't going to sleep any time soon. She thought some tea would help. Or whiskey. Whatever she could find in the mess. Maybe a late night snack. She stood, put on a black, zippered hooded Alliance Navy sweatshirt over her white tank. She'd gotten it years ago when she'd finished basic training. One of her marine buddies had them made. The back said "Don't run - you'll just die tired."

She padded, barefoot out of her quarters and down the cool hallway to the mess. The lights were dimmed. As she came around the corner she saw Kaidan sitting in the dim light at the table, his head in his hands. She gasped a little. She guessed she was still jumpy from her nightmare.

Kaidan looked up, squinting a little.

"Hey Shepard." he said.

"Kaidan," she replied. "I'm sorry I didn't think anyone was here."

"No, no" he waved her in. "I'm just working through the tail end of a migraine. That's why I didn't turn the lights on."

"Have you slept at all?" Shepard asked. She knew his migraines could be debilitating because of his L2 implant. It was her job to know how fit he was for duty at all times, but she was also genuinely concerned. She didn't like to see him in pain and she knew the migraines were a terrible burden for him.

Kaidan sighed.

"No sleep yet. But I'll get some rest in a bit. I promise." He smiled. "It's almost gone."

Shepard nodded as she prepared her tea.

"Want some?" she asked.

"Sure." She handed him a mug. "Thanks," he said. Shepard sat across from him. "So," he continued. He sipped his tea. "Why are you up? If you don't mind me asking."

"No I don't mind," she said. She thought it kind of sweet that Kaidan still paid attention to protocol, even when they were having casual conversation. He was always careful not to overstep his bounds. He made it clear that he respected her as his commanding officer and yet they had cultivated an easy rapport, a casual friendship. Even when he occasionally flirted with her, he made sure it was subtle enough that she knew he was well aware of his place in the chain of command. Shepard thought for moment what to say. "Just a nightmare," she said and sipped her tea.

"Old ghosts?" he asked.

"You could say that." She paused. "A recurring nightmare. About the day the Batarian slavers came to Mindoir." She felt her face fall for a moment, and then composed herself. She wondered if she should talk about it with Kaidan. But then, why not? Things happened, she got over them and now she was here.

"I didn't mean to pry," Kaidan said apologetically.

"No no. It's okay. I can talk about it. Really. I've dealt with my past memories. They are just that. The past." She sipped her tea. Kaidan just looked at her sympathetically. She could tell he didn't know where to go from there. She also knew that he knew the basics, the rumors about her past. She took a deep breath, feeling like she could just say it. "In the dream, as in real life, I'm with my mother, in our house and she's yelling at me about how we have to get to our neighbor's house to call for help. And we can see them coming and we get in the truck with my father, drive to our neighbor's, and when we get inside we were ambushed by them. Shot my dad as soon as he walked through the door. And the rest is...jumbled." She sipped her tea.

"Jumbled?" Kaidan's voice was quiet, compassionate. One thing she loved about him was that he was a tough as nails marine, but he had a sweet and good heart.

"Yeah jumbled. I remember screaming, being pulled by my hair. I remember bodies, their whole family just... One went after my mother and I tried to stop him. He turned and sliced my face. Gave me this." She touched the scar under her right eye. "And then I don't remember anything." She smiled.

"Nothing? So what happened?"

"Well. They said I must have killed one of them somehow and managed to escape and run into the woods. Alliance patrol picked me up there two days later, but I don't remember any of it. Just remember waking up in the hospital." It felt good to say it. Shepard had been to therapy over it, battled her demons. She'd won out and still managed to be a functional human being who even sometimes made a joke and laughed out loud. "Everyone I knew died that day." Her mood darkened for a moment and then she blinked and looked at Alenko. "Not to make you depressed." She smiled. He smiled back. His eyes probed her face, showed genuine concern for her.

"There aren't a whole lot of people who could survive that," he said. "Let alone stay normal."

Shepard laughed.

"You think I'm normal?"

Their eyes met.

"No. I think you're pretty extraordinary." He broke eye contact then. She could tell he felt like he'd crossed a line, even with that small compliment. "A lot of people let their old ghosts haunt them," he said. "You don't. You're better for it." He sipped his tea again. She sipped hers, then cleared her throat. She decided to lighten the mood.

"Yeah. So why can't old ghosts only haunt you when you don't have to be up at 0400 for a relay?"

They both chuckled. She finished her tea.

"I don't know." he laughed. "You want something to help you sleep? I probably got something."

"Nah," she said and stood up. "Chakwas gave me some pills for sleepless nights, but they make me too groggy. I like to have a clear head when I'm trying to rescue the galaxy from complete annihilation."

"Huh. I don't know if I'd rather have a clear head or a booze addled one if it came to that."

She hugged her sweatshirt around her and smiled at Kaidan.

"Get some rest, Lieutenant," she said.

"Yes Ma'am." She turned to walk away and stopped a couple of steps later.

"Oh and Kaidan," he turned to her. "Thanks." He smiled at her and nodded and she turned and made her way back to her bunk. She was sufficiently exhausted now, but relaxed and free of her burden for the night. As she lay down she guessed she could get a couple of hours sleep before she had to be on the bridge, and she drifted off to restful sleep.


End file.
